Resolutions.

I've started and erased this entry a few times now, and have decided I need to just write and not think. So I truly apologize for the winding road you are now meandering down.

I made resolutions this year. Most people resolve to do things like lose weight and stop smoking; I resolve to do things like take pride in myself and start resembling something other than a doormat. It's been harder than it sounds, but a change was definitely needed.

My roommate is now well aware that he will no longer be living here. While I appreciate the effort he did put forward, it was not enough, and in the end I feel as though he took full advantage of my kindness. Maybe we can continue our friendship sometime in the future, but for now, I just want my house back.

I'm not the easiest person to live -- or, let's be honest, be around. I recognize this, and I do work to improve matters. It's how the other person handles it, though, that decides whether our not our relationship -- and by that I am talking predominantly friendships -- works out in the long run. Those who have been in my life the longest, those who I would do absolutely anything for, those who I love the most are those who recognize my issues and quirks and embrace them. Tolerate them. Even like them.

C, however, is not this type.

He's a fixer.

And really, a fixer to an extent is not a bad thing. Encourage me to leave the house, yes. Be supportive when I do. Let me leave when I need to leave. Do not, however, make it your pet project to make me leave the house and then whine when I need to leave right away. This is not something that can be bullied away, and I don't think he realizes that. It's not me being a bitch, it's not me being a hermit.

It's me being honestly terrified to leave.

It's me having social anxiety disorder.

It's me... being me.

I explained this before he moved in, and he said he understood. Either he thought he understood but truly did not, or he just said he did because he thought it's what I wanted to hear. Or, possibly, I didn't explain myself quite well enough. I'm always treading the line between saying
entirely too much and not saying enough.

Anyway. Knowing he'll be moving soon makes my entire body and mind breathe a sigh of relief.

Never again.